


Dirt

by OscarthegrouchILOVETRASH



Category: American Revolution RPF, Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, American Politics, Any excuse to make pigfucking jokes, M/M, QPQVerse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-06
Updated: 2016-04-06
Packaged: 2018-05-31 15:23:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6475633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OscarthegrouchILOVETRASH/pseuds/OscarthegrouchILOVETRASH
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Now, did you hire him because he was qualified, or because you wanted to get in his pants?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dirt

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rillrill](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rillrill/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Quid Pro Quo](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5880157) by [rillrill](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rillrill/pseuds/rillrill). 



> A fun little one-off that I couldn't fit into Out of the Frying Pan/Into The Fire.
> 
> Washington and Hamilton through the eyes of the man tasked with knowing all their dirty secrets in the runup to the election. 
> 
> Spoilers for Quid Pro Quo.

**1999**

 

It's always the clean-cut, buttoned-up candidates that have the most to hide. Tench assumes the worst when he gets the call from Washington’s campaign that they've retained his services. He starts guessing at what Washington, real estate heir and war hero must be hiding. He certainly ticks off all the right boxes to be viable: war record, married to Martha Dandridge Custis, plenty of money and connections to Virginia elites. 

Tench arrives at Washington’s headquarters and sets up shop in a small office. No note pad, no recordings, no paper trail. Everything that Washington says will be filed away in his steel trap mind. 

George Washington, entered, shook hands  (good handshake, strong grip). He was tall, handsome, clean-cut. Looked trustworthy. 

“Alright”, Tench started his preamble. “My job is tricky to explain. It's part legal, part public relations, part muckraking. I need to know dirt, any skeletons in your closet, anything that could derail or jeopardize your campaign or otherwise offend the delicate sensibilities of homegrown voters in your district. If you got drunk and stuck your dick inside a pig's head during a fraternity hazing at Duke, I'd like to know about it, so we know not to plan any campaign stops at pig farms. Understand?”

“Yes.”

“Holding back only hurts yourself.”

“Understood.”

“Okay, so. Drugs? What drugs do you use?”

“Coffee and bourbon, chiefly. Neither in excess. I smoked when I was in the Army, but I've quit that habit.”

“No coke, no heroin, no pills, no weed?”

“No sir.”

“What about crimes? Have you raped/murdered/assaulted anyone? Any theft, corruption, fraud? Drunk driving? Traffic tickets?”

“A few parking tickets. Which I've paid promptly.”

_ What a boy scout.  _

“Do you visit prostitutes?”

“No sir”.

“Watch pornography?”

“No. I find that a subscription to GQ and an active imagination suit me quite well actually.”

_ Wait hang on did he just--wait _

“Sir, are you a--”

“I am gay, yes.”

“Does the wife know?”

“Yes. She’s quite aware. We have an arrangement.”

Care to give me the specifics of that arrangement?

“We are free to sleep with and date other people. I'm deeply invested in helping raise my four stepchildren. My brother Lawrence hired her at Mount Vernon Capital. We get along well together.”

“She dates men--?”

“Women, actually.”

“So, tell me about the men you date. Are any of them political kryptonite? You got any bloodthirsty exes?”

“No sir. It’s, ah, mostly casual things with other professionals. Lawyers, private-sector guys. Occasionally one night stands when I'm out of town.Nothing too serious, I really don't have the time.”

“The same for your wife?”

“Yes.”

_ Alright, they've got a more functional marriage than most everyone else in DC _ .

“I'll have to interview your wife as well.”

“That's fine.”

“Do you have any memberships in any organizations or clubs or secret societies that could cause trouble? The Weathermen? Heaven’s Gate? KKK?”

“I don't think I'm the sort of person the Klan would want to recruit. And no, nothing of that sort.”

“Anything else you need to tell me?”

“No sir.”

 

*

 

**2004**

Washington did well in the House, and was running for Senate. Tench liked doing refreshers, Lord knows how many men Washington had bagged since he was elected to the House.

“Anything new?”

“You know Deborah Sampson?”

“The court reporter who covered the Weeks case? Got her own website?”

“Yes, well, we served in Kuwait together. We stayed close after. Her methods are a bit, ah, unorthodox and I know she's not exactly well-liked. Figured you should know.”

“Has your relationship influenced her coverage?”

“No. We make it a point to not talk about work.”

“Alright. Anything else?”

“You know Friedrich Von Steuben?”

“Massachusetts representative?”

“Yes. Well, he and I had a...thing when we were both freshman representatives.”

_ A thing _ ,  _ huh _ .

“Did you have sex?”

“Yes, about once a week, maybe more.”

“Did you have sex in public, or in federal buildings?”

“No. Hotels, my apartment, his apartment, once out sailing, but no one was around.”

“You're using past tense. What happened?”

“He was tired of being in the closet, and wanted to come out. I am not ready to do that.” Washington sighed. 

“Did it end badly?”

“I mean, no, it's just-- well, I don't think Freidrich will give me any trouble.”

 

**2015**

 

When it rains it pours. Tech was prepared to double down, presidential races were a different animal from running for Congress. Tech was not prepared for meeting with Washington and his policy director, Alex Hamilton. 

“Care to explain what your policy director is doing here?”

“We've been dating for two years.”

Washington was never one to bullshit around. At least not with him.

“Enlighten me.”

Hamilton was the first to talk. 

“We met when I was working for the press, I asked him some questions at the Four Seasons,  and I left my phone-”

“I pocketed it so I could see him again--”

“I met him and he offered me a job as his personal assistant."

“Now, did you hire him because he was qualified, or because you wanted to get in his pants?”

“Yes.”

Tench studied Alexander. He was a smart kid, bit of a loudmouth though. “I'm going to need to do a background check and look at his transcripts. Where did you go to school?”

“Columbia. Masters in Public Policy.”

“Alright, tell me about your sex life. Do anything, anywhere that might be even more of a problem than fucking one of your staffers on the sly?”

They exchanged a look.

“We've hooked up in his office, my office, his Senate hideaway office, Von Steuben’s boat.”

_ The Capitol cleaning staff don't get paid nearly enough. _

“Alex is very partial to bondage”

“Do you go to one of those BDSM clubs?”

“No, we try to keep things discreet.”

_ We like to keep things discreet when we're fucking in Senate offices. The somersaults these guys get into sometimes, you'd think this was Olympic gymnastics.  _

“Who else knows?”

“Lafayette, Martha, Eliza Schuyler, John Laurens, Von Steuben, probably, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, Aaron Burr.”

“Would you care to explain how two disgraced politicians and a slimy lobbyist know about this?”

“Burr was my policy director. He wiretapped my hideaway and recorded some explicit interactions. He informed Jefferson and Madison, and they tried to blackmail my office.”

“There are recordings?”

“ _ Were. _ They were on a hard drive, and I stole it from Madison’s office. I made Jefferson and Madison wipe their devices. The hard drive is somewhere on the bottom of the Chesapeake Bay.”

“Well, Jefferson and Madison shouldn't give you too much trouble, with their being in federal prison.Speaking of which- _ Please _ tell me you're not involved in the fraud case.”

“The hard drive had documents proving donor fraud. We gave them to Deborah Sampson.”

“I thought you didn't talk about work with Deb Sampson.” 

“I suppose I had to eat my words.”

“Alright, anything else I should know?”

“You'd better meet with Martha and Eliza.”

_ How clever. Infuriating, but clever.  _

“You're not making my job easy, you know that?”

“On the bright side, neither of us have fucked a pig’s head.”

_ Thank God for small mercies.  _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Kids, don't fuck pigs.


End file.
